Is It Worth a Celebration When Men Make Food for Women?
What we can learn from rooster tidbitting
Cocks gift food to their favorite females.
writes about chicken chivalry in her book Under the Henfluence. “Much like asking a date out to dinner,” she writes, “a rooster does something called ‘tidbitting.’”When a rooster finds a fat bug or juicy berry, he calls his ladies over, then picks up and drops the morsel, signaling he intends his efforts to be received as a gift.
Reading this, my first reaction: Awww. It reminded me of the times men have fed me. The time my first boyfriend cooked a salmon dinner in his college dormitory kitchen. The time my husband and I went on our first date and he carried a Le Creuset pot brimming with lobster bouillabaisse to a picnic table in a park. The time, on a second date, I slept with a man and afterward he spread a smorgasbord of snacks in front of me—homemade tabouli, pickled vegetables, tropical fruits, dark chocolate, hazelnut butter. He fixed us each a glass of green tea gussied up with sliced ginger, lemon wedges, mint leaves, honey. We’d already had sex once that night, but after indulging my appetite, I was ready for round two.
I’m not alone in my weakness for being wooed by food.
Last Valentine’s Day, on a text thread with a couple of my female friends, we sent updates about the meals our male partners had prepared for us.
“S. handmade me masa tortillas for breakfast,” one messaged.
I sent a text announcing that my husband, Reed, had made octopus and lobster for dinner. One of these friends replied, “Good job Reed!!”
A few days later, one texted that her boyfriend had brought her a mug of tea while she was reading.
On the thread, we chirped about how sweet this was—how lucky my friend was to have found such an attentive, adoring partner. It was only later that I wondered why we were so quick to applaud a man for boiling water. Or even to make a meal, no matter how basic or fancy. Our celebratory reactions stemmed from the fact that these instances were the exception, not the rule.
This is not to diminish the sincere sweetness of these acts. It is only to point out how frequently we praise men for even the smallest or infrequent of food-related gestures. Meanwhile, most of the women I know do the lion share of the meal prep in their respective partnerships.
When it comes to rooster “tidbitting,” Danovich writes, it “isn’t a courtship ritual as much as relationship maintenance with his hens.” In other words, it’s less about new relationship energy, and more about long-term romancing—an ongoing investment of care and attention.
And isn’t this how it should be?
It is not just women who should shake our tail feathers each time a man presents us with a delectable morsel. We should all get excited each time anyone we love fixes us a masa tortilla, a lobster dinner, a mug of tea. These gestures are offerings of love and care in the most fundamental sense. Like when my Ecuadorian host mother brought me mug after mug of oregano tea when I fell ill from a vicious stomach bug. Or each time my dad packed sliced Fuji apples soaked in lemon juice (so they wouldn’t brown) for my school lunches. Each time my mother flips sizzling clam patties on the stove or pulls seasoned homemade fries from the oven. The time a friend assembled strawberry shortcakes one warm summer evening. The time a neighbor stopped by with rhubarb muffins.
To be fed is not something to be taken for granted. These small acts quite literally keep us alive. They’re something to be acknowledged and cherished, reciprocated and celebrated. So let us remember to receive such gifts with joy and gratitude. Each offering of food, no matter how small the snack or gesture, is a form of relationship maintenance. It’s a way of saying I want you to feel nourished. I want you to feel cared for. I want you to feel full.
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